Rivenbark: Don’t fork over bucks for this goofy weight-loss tool

The overused expression: “That’s a First World problem” has never been more appropriate than when used to describe the invention of the HAPIfork, a weight-loss tool that vibrates unpleasantly in your mouth if you eat too fast. Somewhere, dogs are standing at the edge of their Invisible Fences laughing hysterically at this stupid human trick.

HAPIfork is anything but, if you ask me. Comically oversized and available in an array of toddler-looking colors, this new invention is here to remind us to slow down as we plow through that plate of pasta because studies have shown that eating slower leads to weight loss. (If you ask me, slower eating also leads to social isolation as everybody else waits helplessly for you to finish.) Or you could just count calories. But that’s so 1998, am I right? Much better to buy HAPIfork for a cool hundred bucks (!) because, and this sucks the joy right out of a meal, it links to your smart phone or tablet so you can “see your eating statistics in real time.” Dang. And all this time I just thought I could look at my plate to see how things were coming along.

But wait! There’s more! You can then upload your eating data to the HAPI site which provides “analysis and coaching.”

Who has time to worry about things like ISIS? Your fork just told you that you ate your kale salad too aggressively.

I’m just picturing my country-raised Daddy hearing this and saying, as he often did of some new gizmo, “Is there a whole lotta call for that?”

Indeed there is, Pops! Because we are a nation obsessed with our ownselves. We have absolutely nothing better to do!

I’m just as guilty as anybody. I recently bought a bathroom scale that doesn’t just weigh me but also provides my bone density, percentage of water weight, body mass index and muscle mass.

By the time it’s over, I am too depressed to care about my actual weight.

I’m reminded of my own fitness-obsessed Duh Hubby, who recently started wearing one of those little wristbands that lights up when it detects that you have reached your activity goal for the day.

I may, or may not, have made an uncalled-for comment about the Biblical reference to “the jawbone of an ass” but, c’mon, who wouldn’t?

If he buys a HAPIfork, I am going to have too much fun as he struggles with the goal of taking a bite every 67 seconds (near ideal!) If you are wondering what 67 seconds feels like, do as I did, and start counting now. We'll wait.

It’s obvious that the inventors of this goofy cutlery never had a dish of Aunt Verlie’s banana pudding put in front of them, because I don’t care how much zapping and shock collaring and vibrating is going on in your mouth, you’re going to finish that in about 30 seconds flat.

At least that’s my personal best. We all have our goals.