Hello, darling! You and Tom are engaged – how wonderful! I always knew you two were meant to be. It was so obvious when he gave you that birthday certificate for “hot lovin’ redeemable at any time.” That just screams romantic and economical.
What? You want me to be a bridesmaid? I’m honored! I’m verklempt! But before I say yes, I’m going to need you sign off on my requirements. You’ve been in my shoes before; I’m sure you understand.
Please initial all of these items, sign and date the bottom. I’ll get back to you within 10 business days about whether I can make this work within my jampacked schedule. As you know, your special day is during peak wedding season and my services are in high demand.
With my skin tone, I can commit only to a jewel tone such as green, blue or purple. Black is also acceptable. But it cannot be strapless, empire waist or a midi – they do not work with my body type at all – and I have full autonomy over my shoe choice.
Hair and makeup
You can pay for this as your gift to me for accepting your invitation to be a bridesmaid. (Unless you’re purchasing my dress! I’m negotiable on this.) I won’t do an updo; it’s far too matronly for my aesthetic. I will schedule my appointment, I know a guy in Jersey. In fact I’m emailing him right now.
The bachelorette party
If you’re thinking of a beach destination, it must be during the summer months. (I am bikini-ready only from June through Labor Day.) I’m sure you understand that I can’t fulfill my duty of posting good content all over Instagram if I don’t feel I’m at my best. If, however, you choose May, know that the cost of the extra Pilates classes will be deducted from what I’d spend on your registry. Please don’t invite more than eight women; the pictures will be out of control. Don’t worry about a thing: I’ll confab with your maid of honor about everything. I’ll make dinner reservations and hire the stripper. I know a real class act. Also from Jersey. No, not the same guy. His brother.
It would be great if you use Bloomingdale’s – I get points when I shop there, and I’ve got my eye on a sweet Alice + Olivia dress I could wear to your rehearsal dinner. Three gifts is a little extravagant, so please choose two out of the three: engagement, shower and wedding. I’m not made of money.
I consent to being photographed only from my right side. Please confirm that this won’t be an issue. I would like final approval before any images of me are made public, especially if there are shots of me dancing, eating or giving a speech – but we can discuss this in person.
Your bridal shower
I have a thing that day and can stay only a few minutes. It must be open bar. Also a member of your family or Tom’s family will be assuming all financial responsibility for it.
My groomsman partner
He needs to be at least 6 feet in order for us not to look ridiculous walking down the aisle together. I don’t own a formal shoe with a heel under 3 inches, and I won’t compromise shoe choice for a man. You don’t want lopsided photographs of your bridal party, do you?
The rehearsal dinner
When you introduce me to give the toast, please mention my integral part in making your day such a success. Limit all the other speeches out of respect for my attention span and so as not to embarrass anyone less adept at public speaking. And don’t worry, I won’t mention that drunken night you got arrested for urinating on a church nativity scene. Your secret is safe with me.
I’m currently experimenting with polyamory, so would you consider a plus-two? It’s important in my romantic partnerships that everyone feels included.
I won’t sit with any of your relatives, your co-workers or college friends. (Oh actually, your attractive cousin Kyle is acceptable.) I can’t be too close to the dance floor because I’ve seen what your Aunt Elaine does when she gets into the Scotch, and I can’t be in the background of any of those pictures. It’s bad for my brand.
One last thing! Could you text me the phone number of your wedding planner? Just in case I need to confirm anything stated above.