I have decided to hire a full-time staff member to help wrangle the socks. This is the ad I'll be placing in the News and Observer next week.
Help Wanted: Sock Wrangler
Under the supervision of the Dad and occasionally the part-time housekeeper and in cooperation with Uncle Jesse, the Sock Wrangler will oversee all hosiery in the Ham home. The position requires a baccalaureate undergraduate degree from an accredited college or university in Home Economics, criminology, private I'ing, matchingstuffology, findingstuffology or a related field as well as a minimum of 5 years experience in hunting those little boogers down! This position requires an understanding of and a commitment to the Ham Family's desire to have matching socks seven days per week for each family member.
Digital Access for only $0.99
For the most comprehensive local coverage, subscribe today.
The position requires that the incumbent be innovative (they could be anywhere!!), diligent in the search and friendly as he/she goes about her work. He/she must be passionate about finding matches and relentless in the pursuit of missing apparel. He/she must be exceedingly organized, be a self-starter and able to work with minimal supervision. He/she is welcome to yell at family members who leave socks in inappropriate places.
Responsibilities include, but are not limited to, the following:
- Find socks
- Find their matches
- Crawl under stuff, including washers, dryers, sinks, Tupperware cabinets, cars, and the house
- Fold socks and have an innate ability to determine which ones belong to each child - (because they are all the same size and look identical, but my children have an emotional connection to each pair which means they MUST be returned to the original owner)
- Make decisions on tossing items that have gigantic holes in them or are stretched out to the point that they could fit Charles Barkley
- Must know the difference between tights and hose and be able to articulate that difference to all in the house
- Purchase new socks (never spending over $60)
Must be able to see and distinguish between different colors/styles/patterns or thread count. Ability to crawl, squat, lift heavy furniture, sift through dust bunnies, stoop, kneel, stand, walk, pull and push a must. Ability to adapt to change quickly. Occasional travel (to Target) may be necessary.
The top 10 finds this past week:
Number 1: The dining room chair - that's just gross. At least they weren't on the table.
Number 4: Inside out - more work for dad.
Number 5: On living room furniture - but it's a matched pair!!!
Number 6: Bathroom floor - last thing on before the shower? I bet underwear are close by.
Number 7: It's not just a home thing - even on vacation...sock in DC.
Number 8: Oh, those are mine.
Number 9: Isn't it pretty with the rug? Maybe she couldn't see it.
Number 10: Oh my lord, they're in a drawer!