Help Wanted: Sock Wrangler

For two weeks I took pictures of stray socks I found that belonged to various members of our family. I'll have to give Uncle Jessemy brother-in-law, credit. I did not find any of his - although I'm not even sure he wears socks so that could be the explanation.

I have decided to hire a full-time staff member to help wrangle the socks. This is the ad I'll be placing in the News and Observer next week.

Help Wanted: Sock Wrangler

Under the supervision of the Dad and occasionally the part-time housekeeper and in cooperation with Uncle Jesse, the Sock Wrangler will oversee all hosiery in the Ham home. The position requires a baccalaureate undergraduate degree from an accredited college or university in Home Economics, criminology, private I'ing, matchingstuffology, findingstuffology or a related field as well as a minimum of 5 years experience in hunting those little boogers down! This position requires an understanding of and a commitment to the Ham Family's desire to have matching socks seven days per week for each family member.

The position requires that the incumbent be innovative (they could be anywhere!!), diligent in the search and friendly as he/she goes about her work. He/she must be passionate about finding matches and relentless in the pursuit of missing apparel. He/she must be exceedingly organized, be a self-starter and able to work with minimal supervision. He/she is welcome to yell at family members who leave socks in inappropriate places.

Responsibilities include, but are not limited to, the following:

  • Find socks
  • Find their matches
  • Crawl under stuff, including washers, dryers, sinks, Tupperware cabinets, cars, and the house
  • Fold socks and have an innate ability to determine which ones belong to each child - (because they are all the same size and look identical, but my children have an emotional connection to each pair which means they MUST be returned to the original owner)
  • Make decisions on tossing items that have gigantic holes in them or are stretched out to the point that they could fit Charles Barkley
  • Must know the difference between tights and hose and be able to articulate that difference to all in the house
  • Purchase new socks (never spending over $60)

Must be able to see and distinguish between different colors/styles/patterns or thread count. Ability to crawl, squat, lift heavy furniture, sift through dust bunnies, stoop, kneel, stand, walk, pull and push a must. Ability to adapt to change quickly. Occasional travel (to Target) may be necessary.

The top 10 finds this past week:

Number 1: The dining room chair - that's just gross. At least they weren't on the table.

Number 2: In Uggs of many colors. And we haven't worn Uggs this week.

Number 3: Under Michelle's bedroom door.

Number 4: Inside out - more work for dad.

Number 5: On living room furniture - but it's a matched pair!!!

Number 6: Bathroom floor - last thing on before the shower? I bet underwear are close by.

Number 7: It's not just a home thing - even on vacation...sock in DC.

Number 8: Oh, those are mine.

Number 9: Isn't it pretty with the rug? Maybe she couldn't see it.

Number 10: Oh my lord, they're in a drawer!