Moms

Goodnight

Have you ever slept with a gorilla? Or with Jack Nicholson's character in The Shining? That's sort of what it's like to share your bed with Michelle.

Every now and then, she creeps into my room right around bedtime and acts really, really tired. "Daddy, can I just sleep down here tonight? I'm sooo sleepy." That thumb enters her mouth, something she does when she's really beat.

Those big blue eyes are difficult to argue with. My heart is warmed by her sweet "got daddy wrapped around my finger" request. It's sweet alright, until 4 AM. That's about the time I wake up to pee and discover the Blanket Bogart has stripped me of any and all covering I might have started with when Jimmy Kimmel bid me goodnight.

Sometimes there's an arm on my face or a leg across my forehead. Occasionally she's wrapped around me like those pythons in The Everglades.

I'm not sure what the kid's doing all night long. Looks like she's practicing for a nuclear lockdown.

How can someone so tiny wrestle a sheet, two blankets and a heavy comforter from a 175 pound man?

And that's not the worst of it. Sometimes she awakens me yelling in the loudest, most insane sort of way.

"NO! NO! I DON'T WANT TO GO! I'M NOT GOING!"

My dad said my mom used to have nightmares about snakes. He told me she'd belt out the loudest scream you could imagine smack dab in the middle of his REM. It scared the $%&# out of him.

"DON'T MAKE ME! I'M SCARED. NO! NO! I'M NOT GOING!"

She probably thinks I'm gonna take her back to the NC State bowl game in Nashville. I sort of have that same feeling, it was ugly.

When I was a kid, I remember laying awake for hours scared of the kid snatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. UUUghhh. I get chills thinking about him today.

He was just creepy. Puttin' kids in a cage. What an awful thing to take your child to see mom and dad! That's probably half of my issues today.

And then there's Stephanie - she's sort of like sleeping with Darth Vader.

"Wheeeeewwwww - wwwwwweeeehw. Wheeeeewwwww - wwwwweeeeehW."

It's like snoozing through a drag race. I don't think she has emphysema, but it sounds like it.

Occasionally DJ gets stuck with me at the beach or in a hotel on vacation. She's pretty still but she always faces the middle of the bed. I just don't like someone else's breath near my face. And I can only sleep on my left side for so long and then it feels like my aorta is about to pop off my ventrical. My heart starts aching after about 20 minutes and I gotta rotate.

I look at people in movies. The woman always sleeps with her head perched between the guys armpit and his shoulder. Her hand resting gently on his bare chest.

couple-sleeping-in-bed

The only things asleep in that picture are his arms. One is crushed beneath her torso, the other void of blood because it's been over his head for the past umpteen minutes. Who in the heck sleeps like that? That dude is thinking, "I can't wait for her to get off of me so I can get some stinkin' sleep."

Now Lisa, she was a good queen bed partner. If there was snuggling, it was pre-sleep. Once the lights went out, it was like she was in Raleigh, and I was in Durham. No touching, no shared breathing, no cover hog. Just a quiet doze and the comfort of knowing someone else was nearby.

One thing is for sure, having someone next to you is nice - be it a gorilla, Darth Vader or a bad breathed teenager.

That picture sure does looks nice, doesn't it?

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