After careful consideration, I've decided to make a career change.
I'm going to run the New York Jets.
Nothing is official just yet. And it's not that I've tired of writing in recent years about the losing Dolphins, losing Panthers, losing Marlins, losing Heat and losing Hurricanes. I'm happy in my work. I feel better about myself around all these losers.
But for much of the past three years I quarterback-whispered to the Quarterback Whisperer himself, former Dolphins coach Adam Gase, not to trust his quarterback, Ryan Tannehill, or hire Jay Cutler or change his effective, 2016 offense into the one that became the dregs of the NFL in 2017 and 2018.
Do you see where Gase's failures landed him?
He's now king of the New York J-E-T-S.
He was promoted to "interim general manager" on Wednesday to go with his "interim coach" title (OK, he's not really the interim coach, but ... ).
Can you picture New England coach Bill Belichick belly-laughing in Foxborough when hearing the latest Jets update? Let me rephrase that: Can you imagine the corner of Belichick's mouth twitch into a reluctant but wholehearted smirk over this news?
It's May and the Patriots already won the AFC East again. The Dolphins are in major teardown/rebuild. The Bills haven't won a playoff game since 1995. And the Jets? Where to begin? They allowed general manager Mike Maccagnan to spend $205 million in free-agent money and run a draft before ... firing him ... and promoting ... The Quarterback Whisperer.
Just so you have this straight: After coaching the Dolphins the past two losing seasons, after watching his personal baby, the offense, rank 25th and 31st in the league, after recruiting Cutler for $10 million, after not getting anywhere with Tannehill, after three years without a playoff win, after odd firestorms like Reshad Jones refusing to play, Gase wasn't just fired by the Dolphins.
He was promoted by the Jets.
Admittedly, it looks odd that the guy behind a lot of awful Dolphins contracts (Andre Branch, Reshad Jones ... ) is an interim GM. But then just hiring Gase as coach looked odd on the simple basis he wasn't a Sam Darnold fan in the 2018 draft.
You know, the quarterback the Jets took with the No. 3 pick. The one now career-married to Gase. To be fair, Gase wasn't a fan of new Dolphins quarterback Josh Rosen, either. He was a fan of the two quarterbacks the Dolphins brought in for interviews ahead of that draft: Baker Mayfield and Josh Allen.
And how do I know this? Because everyone around the Dolphins knew it. Because it was widely dispersed after that draft for why the Dolphins didn't get a quarterback when everyone knew they needed a quarterback.
Back to today: The Jets are a M-E-S-S. A much more talented mess than the Dolphins mess, to be sure (cue the Belichick laugh track – er, smirk track.). But the Jets just spent $52 million on running back Le'Veon Bell, who thanked them by not showing up for May workouts.
Gase reportedly was against signing Bell for big money. That fits. Gase, you see, doesn't like to run the ball. He likes to throw it. He said so honestly and repeatedly with the Dolphins and backed it up most Sundays, as Bell will discover if he does show up to games.
So the Bell signing was one point of contention between Gase and Maccagnan. Gase also reportedly has issues already with new defensive coordinator Gregg Williams, who arrives with his own set of baggage.
The moral here isn't: Wait for the fireworks when the games begin!
It's that Gase obviously has played his cards with team owner Chris Johnson perfectly, because he now has Maccagnan's job. The idea is he'll shop it out to someone he gets along with, like Joe Douglas, Philadelphia's vice president of personnel.
Douglas would be a good choice for Gase to solidify his power. I can just think of a better choice, though.
I cautioned him for those failed Dolphins years from my keyboard seat. Admittedly, it was often amateurish, if grammatically correct, criticism. And haters will say it won't bring success. But who needs success? Did Gase need any with the Dolphins to be given keys to the Jets?
I figure with my help and a few more losing years, Gase can be promoted to own an NFL team.