Movie review: ‘Jupiter Ascending’ descends into mayhem, incoherence

At this point, praising the Wachowski siblings as “creators of ‘The Matrix’ ” is like pointing to the boozy, pot-bellied ex-quarterback at a 15th reunion and saying, “Remember that great touchdown pass he threw our senior year?”

Besides writing the script for “V for Vendetta,” they have spent the time since 1999 writing and directing “Matrix” sequels and video games, plus movies that are frantic and shapeless (“Speed Racer”) or so sprawlingly ambitious they can’t realize their potential (“Cloud Atlas”). “Jupiter Ascending” is both.

It starts with a “Matrix”-like premise. There, human beings provided energy to regenerate a world they knew nothing about. Here, human beings provide cells to regenerate a world they know nothing about, a distant planet whose oligarchs “seeded” other worlds long ago – including Earth – with people they could “harvest” to rebuild their slowly dying bodies.

Queen Abrasax, richest among these oligarchs, deeded the worlds she owned to her children: Kalique (Tuppence Middleton), Titus (Douglas Booth) and Balem (Eddie Redmayne). But should an exact avatar of her DNA reappear, the title to certain planets would revert to that person. She turns out to be Jupiter Jones, a Russian immigrant who cleans toilets but is the rightful owner of Earth. (This isn’t meant to be a comedy, except for a few scenes that aren’t funny.)

Lycanthropic warrior Caine (Channing Tatum), whose anti-gravity boots replace his former wings, falls in love with Jupiter (Mila Kunis, who’s as attractive and inexpressive as the movie itself). He protects her from the evil Abrasax trio, who try to get her to join them in exploitation, marry into the family or abdicate as their new queen.

The Wachowskis cobble together bits of other science fiction films and mythology in a haphazard fashion: The name Abrasax had mystical meaning to ancient Gnostics and may be based on the sun, moon and planets known to the ancient world.

But they don’t take ideas anywhere: Characters remain undeveloped and bland, from Jupiter herself to the lone wolf hero who saves her with split-second timing over and over. (Or in Caine’s case, lone half-wolf.) The hero has a Han Solo-like pal who splits when danger looms but, of course, comes back. Jupiter’s fat, abusive relatives remind us of the Dursleys persecuting Harry Potter. Except for Balem, the generic villains just disappear; we don’t know what happens to Kalique and Titus.

Tatum makes an impact in a quiet way. He’s balanced by Redmayne, whose affected acting – all whispers until he shrieks – makes me want to take away in advance the Oscar he might win for “The Theory of Everything.” Everyone else walks dully through the film, well aware the Wachowskis have given them nothing to do.

The most frustrating thing about the movie (as with “Cloud Atlas”) is that it could’ve been memorable, had the Wachowskis turned their vision over to more talented storytellers. These dinosaur soldiers and galactic cities and skeletal assassins might have added up to something in other hands. But all the siblings can think to do at last is set worlds on fire, blow them up and bring them crashing down.

This story was originally published February 5, 2015 at 6:00 PM.