Mom Shares the Painful Truth About Getting ‘Too Attached' to Foster Kids

A foster mom is challenging one of the most common assumptions about foster care-that it's better not to get "too attached."

Kate Rapier, a 43-year-old single foster and adoptive mother from the Nashville area, said she frequently hears the same response when people learn about her role: that they "could never do it" because they would care too much.

But, she explained, that thinking fundamentally misunderstands what children in foster care actually need.

"I understand that fear because attachment is incredibly vulnerable," Rapier told Newsweek. "But I often tell people that attachment isn’t the problem-it’s actually the point."

Her comments come as conversations around foster care continue to highlight the emotional realities faced by both children and caregivers.

Many children entering the system have already experienced trauma, instability or loss, making stable, nurturing relationships critical to their development.

Research shows that secure attachments with caregivers are a key protective factor, helping improve emotional regulation, relationships and long-term wellbeing.

Rapier said that when people say they couldn't foster because they would become too attached, her response is often to reframe the concern.

"What if that attachment is exactly what the child needs?" she said.

Children in foster care, she explained, are not helped by emotional distance. Instead, they benefit from adults who are willing to fully invest in them-even without knowing what the outcome will be.

"Every child deserves to experience healthy attachment, even if the relationship isn’t permanent," she said.

Rapier's perspective is shaped by her own experience fostering and later adopting her two children, Gigi, now 5, and Ryland, 3. Gigi came into her care as a one-week-old baby, with only a few hours' notice before her arrival.

"From the beginning, I loved her completely," she said. "But foster care taught me that loving a child and knowing you’ll get to keep raising that child are two very different things."

During Gigi's early months, Rapier said she faced periods of deep uncertainty about what would happen next.

"There were seasons when I didn’t know what her future would be," she said. "What I learned during that time was that children deserve our full hearts regardless of the outcome."

A moment with a therapist helped shape her understanding. While grappling with the possibility of losing Gigi, she was told that the consistency, safety and love she was providing would form part of the child's lifelong emotional foundation.

"In that moment, I realized that my job wasn’t to protect myself from heartbreak," Rapier said. "My job was to love her well for however long I was given."

Rapier also emphasized that supporting children in foster care is not limited to those who become foster parents.

"A lot of people hear about foster care and immediately assume there are only two options: become a foster parent or do nothing," she said. "The reality is that children and families involved in foster care need an entire community of support."

Ways to help, she said, can include providing meals, donating clothes, babysitting, mentoring or simply being a consistent, safe adult in a child's life.

"Not everyone is called or equipped to foster, and that is okay," she said. "But almost everyone can do something."

For Rapier, the emotional risk that deters many people is also what defines the role.

"That is what love is," she said. "It’s choosing to give someone what they need, even when there are no guarantees for you in return."

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This story was originally published June 4, 2026 at 6:36 AM.