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How hot is it? ‘Hotter than a fire hydrant chasing a dog,’ and 85 more ways to say it’s hot.

Only Southerners can describe heat with the style and flavor it deserves, comparing summer's worst punishment to a sausage griddle or a grit pot.

With the heat index expected to rocket past 100 degrees, we offer this complete list of sweltering expressions — minus the racier terms, of course.

Try one next time you mop your forehead.

1. Hotter than a billy goat with a blow torch.

2. Hotter than Satan’s house cat.

3. Hotter than Satan’s toenails.

4. Hotter than doughnut grease at a fat man convention.

5. Hotter than a blister bug in a pepper patch.

6. Hotter than a jalapeño’s armpit.

7. Hotter than a half-bred fox in a forest fire.

8. Hotter than a stepmother’s kiss.

9. Hotter than hell and half of Georgia.

10. Hotter than a firecracker lit at both ends.

11. Hotter than a pair of sweat pants full of barbecue.

12. Hotter than blue blazes.

13. Hotter than a house on fire.

14. Hotter than a fire hydrant chasing a dog.

15. Hotter than 40 dammits.

16. Hotter than noon on the Fourth of July.

17. Hotter than a pepper sprout.

18. Hotter than a $2 pistol.

19. Hotter than a June bride in a feather bed.

20. Hotter than H-E double hockey sticks.

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21. Hotter than six shades of hell.

22. Hotter than the middle kettle of hell.

23. Hotter than Georgia asphalt.

24. Hotter than a depot stove.

25. Hotter than blue gin.

26. Hotter than a honeymoon hotel.

27. Hotter than high noon in Death Valley.

28. Hotter than a hoot’n poot.

29. Hotter than a steel playground at recess.

30. Hotter than a six shooter.

31. Hotter than whoopee in woolens.

32. Hotter than a hen laying eggs.

33. Hotter than the devil’s underwear.

34. Hotter than the bottom of my laptop.

35. Hotter than a hickory-smoked sausage.

36. Hotter than July.

37. Hotter than lava.

38. Hotter than the dickens.

39. Hotter than a tin-foil sweater.

40. Hotter than two trees fighting over a dog.

41. Hotter than a Times Square Rolex.

42. Hotter than my coffee.

43. Hotter than Charizard’s flamethrower.

44. Hotter than a hen laying hard-boiled eggs.

45. Hotter than two rats kissing in a wool sock.

46. Hotter than a Peruvian puff pepper.

47. Hotter than a blister.

48. Hotter than the business end of a pistol.

49. Hotter than sriracha.

50. Hotter than butter on a stack of wheat cakes.

51. Hotter than the hinges on the Gates of Hades.

52. Hotter than seven hells.

53. Hotter than wildfire.

54. Hotter than Satan’s mixtape.

55. Hotter than a cow giving evaporated milk.

56. Hotter than four sides of hell.

57. Hotter than Dutch love

58. Hotter than 49 barrels of hell

59. Hotter than hell’s waiting room.

60. Hotter than an egg on the hood of a Camaro.

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61. Hotter than a George Foreman Grill.

62. Hotter than a funeral procession pulling into Dairy Queen.

63. Hotter than two goats in a pepper patch.

64. Hotter than 40 hells.

65. Hotter than a volcano in an oven on self-clean mode.

66. Hotter than hell’s back kitchen.

67. Hotter than a Hot Pocket microwaved for six minutes.

68. Hotter than a preacher’s knee.

69. Hotter than fish grease.

70. Hotter than a Bunsen Burner set to full power.

71. Hotter than a snake’s butt in a wagon rut.

72. Hotter than the center of a calzone.

73. Hotter than a fur coat in Marfa (that's in Texas).

74. Hotter than the devil’s backside.

75. Hotter than two ticks on a hound dog.

76. Hotter than a cat on a tin roof.

77. Hotter than pearls in a pawn shop.

78. Hotter than a cat in heat.

79. Hotter than kimchi.

80. Hotter than five hogs in a Ford Escort.

81. Hotter than a spanked baby’s bottom.

82. Hotter than two dogs wrestling in the attic.

83. Hotter than a mess of collards on the back burner of a $4 stove.

84. Hotter than the surface of the sun.

85. Hotter than hell’s pepper patch.

86. Hotter than a ginger mill in Hades.

Josh Shaffer: 919-829-4818, @joshshaffer08
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