Cold as a mother-in-law’s love? Here are some colorful ways to describe bleak weather
How cold is it?
Meteorologically, North Carolina may not be that frigid, at least not in comparison to winters in the upper Midwest, where it’s possible to tap dance on top of a lake in February, or the Northeast, where a snowblower is considered a good Dad gift.
But metaphorically, when the temperature peaks in the 40s on a sunny Southern day, you can pull out the big fluffy coat and some gloves and sprinkle your favorite epithets about the misery of winter like rock salt on a slick driveway.
These aren’t exclusively Southern sayings, but since they embrace the exaggerated essence of Southern speak, we’re inviting them in and offering them a hot bowl of Brunswick stew, even if we have to clean a few of them up a bit. Then we’ll shut the door so we don’t let the heat out; it’s getting a bit airish in here.
In fact, it’s cold as whiz.
It’s blue cold.
Tomorrow, it might be cold as all get out.
Creature comforts
Winter weather apparently brings out the animal in us. When the temperature dips, it’s:
▪ Colder than a penguin’s tuxedo
▪ Cold as a reindeer’s antlers
▪ Hog-killing weather
▪ Cold as a polar bear’s pajamas
▪ Colder than penguin snot
▪ So cold the dogs are sticking to the fire hydrants
▪ Cold as a frog’s tail
▪ Cold enough to freeze the tail off a frog
▪ Colder than a polar bear’s toenails
▪ A three-dog night
▪ Too cold to let the chickens out
This weather tests our mettle
…and our metal, when it’s
▪ Colder than a brass toilet seat on the shady side of an iceberg
▪ Colder than a witch’s [breast] in a brass bra
▪ Cold enough to freeze the nuts off a steel bridge
▪ Too cold to lick a flag pole
Bless your cold, cold heart
Many of us love snow but hate the cold. When it chills to the bone, it feels personal, almost mean, and we might say it’s colder than:
▪ A mother-in-law’s kiss
▪ A mortician’s mistress
▪ A roomful of ex-wives
▪ A gold-digger’s heart
▪ A tax-collector’s heart
▪ The shady side of a landlord’s heart
▪ A banker’s heart on foreclosure day at the widows’ and orphans’ home
We can dig it
Municipal water systems and mechanical drilling rigs have put out of business most people who used to dig wells by hand, and cemeteries now use backhoes before burials. But hand-digging a deep hole was such unenviable work that we still talk about it, especially when the weather is:
▪ Colder than a well-diggers [rear end] in January
▪ Colder than a well-diggers belt buckle
▪ Colder than a grave-digger’s shovel
▪ Colder than a coal-miner’s [rear end]
▪ Colder than moonlight on a tombstone
▪ Colder than death
Just a taste of winter
▪ It’s colder than a day-old dumpling.
▪ It’s colder than kraut.
Sleet happens
Surprising things occur when it gets unusually cold in the South. Sometimes, it’s so cold:
▪ It’s like skinny-dipping in a snowstorm.
▪ Even the property taxes are frozen.
▪ It’s like eating a snow cone at the North Pole.
▪ The politicians have their hands in their own pockets.
▪ My campfire froze and I’ll have to bring it into the barn to thaw.
▪ My cornflakes turned into frosted flakes.
▪ I think my eyelids froze shut.
▪ You could use an ice tray as a heating pad.
▪ My shadow had on a coat.
This story was originally published January 3, 2024 at 9:51 AM.
