The pandemic’s jarring soundtrack: the vroom-vroom of leaf blowers

Businesses such as flute rentals and fondue restaurants have a tough row to hoe under Covid-19. If the past few weeks are any indication, America’s leaf blowers have less cause for concern. In the age of coronavirus, it’s their world; we’re just living in it.

Like an Old West saloon after John Wayne’s entry, the presence of leaf blowers is unmistakably felt these days. It’s as though a great nation, suddenly buckling under the weight of global uncertainty, decided to exert control over something by reminding all the fallen fronds who’s boss.

I have nothing against a prim pathway in Charlotte’s Plaza Midwood, or a smart SouthPark sidewalk. This isn’t some Luddite “leave things in their natural state” screed. Nor is it confirmation bias, the misreckoned result of my spending more time working from home and closer to Mother Nature.

I haven’t taken leave of my senses so much as sensed something about my leaves, and the subtle mission creep of their caretakers. In my experience, leaf blowers are disrupting leaves with blithe indifference, but disrupting conversations with decided gusto.

I can’t say I blame them. We all must make our own fun in our chosen work. Hidden in plain sight adjacent to so many outdoor cafes, these blokes surely have become discreet listeners. To many, firing all your guns at once at key moments of business pitches must be irresistible.

I know because I meet friends for outdoor coffee early most weekday mornings at Caribou. One regular is convinced leaf blowers are zeroing in on him. So sure, in fact, he checks over each shoulder – like Inspector Clouseau searching for Cato – before beginning a joke. Leaf blowers still drown out his punch lines.

Nor does it let up once I get to work. The soundtrack of a day’s Zoom calls is less Simon & Garfunkel than Briggs & Stratton, with the air-cannons invariably blasting over something important. Many, keep in mind, are calling from lofty apartments. Who’s tidying up in there, “Caddyshack” assistant greenkeeper Carl Spackler?

Better, as President Kennedy put it, to light a candle than to curse the darkness. Robust background checks for leaf blowers, I think, are the answer. This is how we can achieve peace – and quiet – in our time. But we need to be asking the right questions on the front end.

The more passive-aggressive a candidate is, the less I want his finger on the conversation-killing trigger. Blow-free zones are another possibility. A man should never drop to one knee before his beloved, only to find himself having to scream his matrimonial intent.

Longer term, reprobate leaf blowers unable or unwilling be retrained can be repurposed. Pending a vaccine, the nearby t-shirt cannon industry is poised for tremendous growth. And then there’s the ultimate President Kennedy-moonshot: jetpacks!

We Americans don’t agree on much these days. But I’m hearing strong bipartisan support for reining in our nation’s rogue leaf blowers. That is, when my ears aren’t ringing.

This story was originally published November 10, 2020 at 12:00 AM.