An update on some proverbs for Generation Z

Recently I offered my teenage children proverbial words of encouragement – tough times don’t last, tough people do – as dreadful 2020 finally draws to a close. They looked at me, one and all, with the dull stare of the dairy cow.

That’s when it hit me. A lifelong fan of proverbs, my kids don’t get as much from them as I do. This is unfortunate, for proverbs teach lasting truths. In order to reach my kids where they are, I’ve updated some common proverbs to suit the sardonic sensibilities of Generation Z.

Don’t blow your own trumpet. Don’t blow anyone else’s trumpet, either. You know what? Best just to avoid trumpets altogether.

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. The more weak links in your chain, the harder it will be for anyone to blame you.

Fall seven times. Stand up eight. But at some point, consider whether you have an inner-ear imbalance.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do, except for late-Empire Romans. Do the opposite of those guys.

When one door shuts, another opens. But if the other door opening is in Vancouver, it might be of no earthly use to you.

Don’t kill the goose that lays the golden eggs. Don’t kill the goose that lays regular eggs, either. What is it with you and geese?

All good things must come to an end. “Cats”, however, just seems to go on forever.

Strike while the iron is hot. Easy, Achilles. We’re just playing dodge ball.

If you play with fire, you’ll get burned. I seriously can’t believe I have to tell you this.

Ignorance is bliss. Remember this when your kid brings home a disappointing report card, just how blissful he looks.

Don’t cast pearls before swine, or anywhere else for that matter. They’re pearls.

No news is good news, except on a desert island. There it’s definitely bad news.

No pain, no gain. Not all pain leads to gain, though, or gain worth all the pain. You know what? Let’s just watch “Matlock.”

Persuasion is better than force, but not when playing Whac-a-Mole. There it’s all about force.

Rome wasn’t built in a day. It was built, though, and frankly it took so long there’s probably no point in putting on pants.

There are more ways than one to skin a cat. There you go again with animal cruelty. What is it with you?

Slow and steady wins the race. Specifically, the “slowest and steadiest wins” race, which is almost never run.

When the cat’s away the mice will play, although some mice are probably so terrified by cats, they stay dialed in even then.

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But I like honey on my granola, so take it easy.

I hope the Generation Z members in your lives find these updated adages useful. Even if they do, they might think it uncool to let you know, as mine do. There should be a proverb for that.

This story was originally published December 31, 2020 at 12:00 AM with the headline "An update on some proverbs for Generation Z."