Hey, Taylor Swift: Come do for us what you’ve done for Kansas City | Opinion
An open letter to Taylor Swift:
Ms. Swift, on behalf of everyone who wants the Carolina Panthers to be relevant again, I beg you to come and save us. We need you now, more than ever!
Don’t pay attention to all those dudes complaining you’re making it difficult for them to concentrate on grown men playing with a pigskin.
We want you to do for us what you’ve done for Kansas City. You’ve generated more than $330 million for the National Football League and the Kansas City Chiefs just by showing up to games and cheering on your boyfriend, what’s his name, from a luxury box. If you find it in your heart to come to the Carolinas and spend a few Sundays at Panthers stadium next season, maybe that would go a long way towards ensuring everyday taxpayers won’t have to fork over hundreds of millions of dollars to upgrade a stadium owned by a man who is worth billions.
Given that you’ve also helped the Chiefs’ on-field success, making it all the way to the Super Bowl in your first year in the league, that would be a bonus. Yeah, I know it’s true we haven’t had much on-field success the past few years while the Chiefs were going to Super Bowls even before you began dating what’s his face, but according to a bevy of conservatives I’m hearing from, your presence is so powerful, it could turn the Panthers into champs. I, mean, Jesse Watters of Fox News has said you might be a “Pentagon psyop,” which sounds like a fancy title only the most powerful among us could ever hope to be granted. Clearly, you are worthy.
Just think of the good you could do here. You could save the Panthers, and maybe your winning ways would rub off on the Hornets, while encouraging an untold number of young people to vote this November. OK, let’s keep that last part between us. We wouldn’t want to scare NFL owners and their fellow Republicans to be unnerved by the thought of a bunch of young liberals having an effect on the outcome of this year’s elections. Former Republican presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy is already concerned about that possibility, and we wouldn’t want to further worry him.
And if you announce now your intentions to come our way in the coming months, it will keep our entire region relevant after Donald Trump unofficially wraps up the Republican presidential nomination during the S.C. primary in a few weeks. Nikki Haley is trying to keep the national spotlight pointed our way by suggesting Trump is not mentally fit to be president and reminding everyone that the standard bearer for the “family values,” “Christian” GOP is on the hook for more than $80 million for defaming the woman a court found him liable for having raped.
Look, I know you are tired of the attention, as you made clear when a CBS camera panned your way during the Chiefs’ victory over the Baltimore Ravens. Even American Airlines is using your relationship with what’s his face, some dude NFL fans claim is one of the best tight ends in the history of football, to gin up business. And I know it would mean you’d have to dump him, even though you two seem like a really cool couple and are the epitome of the type of relationship conservatives swear up and down they want to see more frequently during a period of decreasing fertility rates. That would be a real sacrifice, I get it. But we’d forever be in your debt.
Besides, it would make it easier for us to watch this year’s Super Bowl, which will feature maybe the best running back in the NFL, former Panther Christian McCaffrey, and San Francisco 49ers defensive coordinator Steve Wilks, the man who should have been the Panthers head coach.
Please come and make the Carolinas great again. We can’t do it without you.
This story was originally published January 30, 2024 at 9:05 AM with the headline "Hey, Taylor Swift: Come do for us what you’ve done for Kansas City | Opinion."