Nailing down our ‘steal the election from Trump’ plans

To: Fellow conspirators’ eyes only

Subject: Stealing election from Trump

Election Day, Nov. 8, is fast approaching, and early voting periods are coming even faster, so we need to lay out instructions now for impersonating other voters to deny victory to Donald Trump. After all, he expects us to do it, right? (That was sarcastic, but not that sarcastic.)

First, you must compile a list of registered voters whom you know will vote for Trump and where they vote. Surely, you know who they are. Second, you could vote in place of dead people. You’ve been reading the obituaries and listing names for months to prepare, right?

Most states, including such key states as Florida and North Carolina, have early voting. This makes our job easier as we have more time to impersonate more people. First, vote as yourself as early as you can so no one can later impersonate YOU.

Next, begin your impersonations in the early voting period if your state has one. Early voting periods and rules vary from state to state, so you’ll have to figure what applies where you live. We’re trying to find a nationwide coordinator for this complicated task, but, so far, no takers. You’ll be helped by the fact that, under a court ruling, in most cases in North Carolina and other places, no identification will be required, despite efforts of Republicans to institute voter ID laws to thwart people like us.

In my county, you can cast your early ballot at the county elections office or three satellite sites. Of course, don’t go right back into the polling place after voting as yourself, lest you be recognized. Wait until poll workers change shifts. While you wait, you could drive to other early voting sites to vote again. Or, you could use disguises. If you’re the preppy type, you could chuck your chinos and button-down for torn jeans and a Grateful Dead T-shirt. Even better, you could crossdress.

In many early-voting states, you can repeat this procedure each day. Be warned that this tactic will become decreasingly effective, because you probably will encounter some of the same poll workers, who just might get suspicious. You may have to lie low for a while, unless you can switch places with co-conspirators from other counties. Note that what we are doing is illegal, so, no, we can’t reimburse you for mileage.

Easy as pie impersonation

Finally comes Election Day. You must rise early to get to as many precincts as possible. Long lines may slow you down, but with luck, you could maybe hit 10 precincts before the polls close. Where I live, it won’t pay to do more than one impersonation at a single polling place as the same poll workers stay through the whole Election Day shift. Again, be aware of local rules.

By this time, a poll worker may tell you the person you are impersonating has already voted. Play dumb. “Did I vote already? When? Oh, that was the day of the softball team picnic. Drank a lot of beer, maybe inhaled some stuff. Sorry. Forgot.” If you are a senior citizen, faking dementia may suffice.

Taking into account the states with early voting and the 13 that don’t permit it, leaving you only one day to impersonate, our best case estimates unfortunately suggest that a dedicated impersonator can vote in place of only about 45 persons, so we need tons of volunteers.

Barack Obama won Pennsylvania by almost 288,000 votes in 2012. It would have taken some 6,400 impersonators to switch that outcome. Mitt Romney won North Carolina by more than 97,000 votes. You’d need about 2,150 impersonators to turn that around. Nationwide, Obama beat Romney by almost 3.5 million votes. By that standard we need at least 77,800 impersonators to rig this election.

So, get out and recruit volunteers. Just remember, they’ve all got to keep their mouths shut. This operation is secret.

This story was originally published August 19, 2016 at 4:43 PM with the headline "Nailing down our ‘steal the election from Trump’ plans."