Death Cafe encourages people to make the most of life
Death is a subject people discuss in hushed tones, if they discuss it at all, but the Death Cafe movement is trying to change that with small gatherings all over the world.
Belleville residents started a local Death Cafe in April at Miscellanea House, a coffee shop and restaurant on West Main. A handful of people show up once a month to drink coffee or tea, eat cake or pie and talk about death.
“It’s an interesting way to spend a Saturday night,” said co-leader Maggie Boone Tribout, 60, of Belleville, who teaches psychology at Southwestern Illinois College and works part-time as a bartender at Alice’s Place. “We have great discussions.”
Maggie emphasizes that the Death Cafe isn’t a seance or grief support group, although some people who have lost loved ones may find comfort in the open dialogue.
Gatherings have no agendas, objectives or themes, per guidelines at www.deathcafe.com. Also prohibited are disrespect, judgment, product sales and other profit-making activity.
“You hear ‘Death Cafe’ and you think, ‘How morbid can you get?’” Maggie said. “But you get a bunch of people sitting around eating cake and taking about aspects of death, and then they get comfortable, and before you know it, you start focusing on life.”
Many topics — ranging from hospice care to funeral arrangements, religious customs to animal euthanization — provide useful information. Others are just interesting.
One month, the group covered green burials and cremation options. Apparently, people are putting ashes in concrete, hourglasses, weather balloons, ink for tattoos and paint for portraits.
“You can have the person’s voice recorded and put on a vinyl record, and his or her ashes are infused in the vinyl,” Maggie said. “People are getting really creative.”
Tim Thompson, 57, of Belleville, is a Miscellanea House regular who has attended several Death Cafe gatherings. He works in transportation for cerebral palsy patients.
“I’m a deacon in my church, and I’ve done some counseling,” he said. “I just might be able to gain some insight that could help other people.”
Death Cafe speakers have included a hospice representative, paranormal investigator and death midwife. Sometimes people bring in photographs or artifacts.
Last month, psychic Elizabeth Wisbaum, 62, of Belleville, played a recording of a story on “The Moth Radio Hour.” The storyteller told of her frustration trying to get access to her husband’s body after an accident.
“I had a relative that was murdered, and there’s a different set of circumstances and thoughts and emotions that go along with that,” Tim said. “It’s different than death by accidents or illnesses.”
The group also pondered gun violence, reincarnation, death in Nazi concentration camps and the theft of silent film star Charlie Chaplin’s body in 1978.
They addressed the subject of how to explain death to children and whether preschoolers should attend funerals. That brought back memories for Miscellanea House owner Sharon Egler.
“I remember going to my grandmother’s funeral when I was 3,” she said. “I said, ‘That’s not Grandma! My grandma wears glasses.’ And my mom told the funeral home people to go get her glasses and put them on her so we kids could recognize her.”
“I remember going to my grandmother’s funeral when I was 3,” she said. “I said, ‘That’s not Grandma! My grandma wears glasses.’ And my mom told the funeral home people to go get her glasses and put them on her so we kids could recognize her.”
Sharon, 63, of Belleville, offered to host Death Cafe gatherings because she believes it’s a positive movement. Participation is free. People can make donations to cover the cost of her homemade cake or pie.
Maggie learned about Death Cafes while doing Internet research for her Death and Dying class at SWIC. The movement is based on the ideas of Bernard Crettaz, a Swiss sociologist and anthropologist who organized the first Cafe Mortel in 2004.
Jon Underwood, a London father of two and Buddhist student, developed a website for the Death Cafe, which he calls a “social franchise” that anyone can join.
“Our aim is to increase awareness of death to help people make the most of their (finite) lives,” according to the mission statement.
YOU CAN HAVE THE (DECEASED) PERSON’S VOICE RECORDED AND PUT ON A VINYL RECORD, AND HIS OR HER ASHES ARE INFUSED IN THE VINYL. PEOPLE ARE GETTING REALLY CREATIVE.
Maggie Boone Tribout on cremation options
Maggie and Sharon note that people in the 1800s were more open about death than they are today. Family members prepared bodies for burial and invited neighbors to home viewings.
“It was very common for people to take postmortem pictures,” Sharon said. “A lot of people were so poor, they didn’t take pictures when they were alive, so their loved ones wanted something to remember them by.”
The next Death Cafe gathering will take place from 6 to 8 p.m. Feb. 27 at Miscellanea House, 1111 W. Main St. in Belleville. People can purchase sandwiches and other food, if desired.
Maggie and Sharon feel the monthly gatherings can help people come to grips with their mortality and live for today while planning for the future.
“Death is going to happen,” Maggie said. “It’s inevitable. You’re not going to cheat death. But as you get comfortable with it, you start living, and that’s good. We do have a limited time on earth.”
This story was originally published February 15, 2016 at 5:35 PM with the headline "Death Cafe encourages people to make the most of life."