The Relationship Habit Backed by Decades of Research Isn’t What You Think It Is
Long-term love does not coast on dinner reservations and anniversary flowers. The relationships that stay strong tend to be the ones that keep pushing both partners to learn, stretch and grow. Decades of research point to one practical habit at the heart of that growth, and it has a simple name. Doing something new together.
Psychologists call this self-expansion, and it is the reason couples therapists keep recommending novel shared experiences as practical relationship advice. The strongest bonds, according to the research, broaden each partner’s sense of what is possible.
How ‘doing something new’ works in a relationship
The theory comes from Arthur and Elaine Aron, psychologists who happen to be married to each other. Their 1995 paper, Falling in love, Prospective studies of self-concept change, tracked hundreds of first- and second-year undergraduates, a group the researchers described as having “a high expected incidence of falling in love.”
Over 10 weeks, students answered the same open-ended question, “Who are you today?” Students who fell in love during the study saw their list of personal characteristics grow by about 20%. Students who did not fall in love produced shrinking lists, which the researchers read as a sign of dipping self-esteem. Love, in other words, expanded the self.
What the research says about novelty and passion
A 2020 study in Frontiers in Psychology used fMRI brain scans and found that people prompted to see their romantic relationships as exciting and novel were less likely to react to photos of attractive strangers, compared with people simply reminded of their love for their partner.
An earlier study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2000 found that couples who took part in “novel” and “arousing” activities reported improved relationship quality and increased passion. The couples ranged from two months to 15 years together, and improvements showed up after a shared task that lasted just seven minutes.
A 1993 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships followed more than 50 married couples through 10 weeks of weekly activities described as either exciting or pleasant. A 2013 randomized controlled trial in Couple and Family Psychology by researchers at the University of New England in Australia asked 50 couples to try new activities together for at least 90 minutes a week over four weeks. With no other counseling involved, the intervention alone significantly raised romantic satisfaction compared with a control group, and the effects were still visible four months later.
Why this counts as real relationship advice
The research keeps landing on the same point because trying something new strips both partners of expertise at the same time. That shared awkwardness is where the bond gets built.
“Learning new things together strengthens bonds because it is at those moments we can show our vulnerability to one another. When we are learning a new task, neither party is an expert, and mishaps and failures are bound to happen. In those vulnerable moments when we fail, the other party can show support. They can work together to find a solution, and working together helps deepen the connection,” Dr. Hisla Bates, a pediatric and adult psychiatrist in New York City, told Success.
The activity itself does not have to be dramatic. A cooking class, a new hike, an unfamiliar board game or a language app can all qualify. What matters is that both partners are beginners, both are stretching and both get to watch the other show up.
This article was created by content specialists using various tools, including AI.
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