Look out! Canadians, armed with smoked salmon and hockey sticks, are coming!

Last week, President Trump identified Canada as a national security threat to the United States and imposed tariffs on imported Canadian steel and aluminum. Trump is right. It is Canada that poses a serious threat to U.S. national security. It is not North Korea, Russia, China, Iran, al Qaeda or ISIS. It is Canada. Anyone who thinks differently is just flat out wrong — or misinformed.

The threat really began with the Canadian geese — flocks of them crossing our border, unchecked and unobstructed. Hundreds of thousands of geese, flying in formation, pooping like Nazi carpet bombers from the sky on United States soil. We now realize that, at any moment, they might be followed by millions of Canadians citizens in their domestically produced Honda Civics, Ford Edges or Chevrolet Equinoxes, rolling over the longest unpatrolled and “unwalled” border in the world. Why, there are virtually hundreds of potential entry points into the United States along the three-thousand-mile border from which these dangerous Canadians could emerge armed with smoked salmon, iced wine, snack foods, and hockey sticks.

But this is just the beginning of the threat to our national security. Imagine the harm to the nation that could be done if hockey displaced football and baseball as the American pastimes? What would be next? The Queen as head of state? The loonie? Tim Horton’s? The harm to national security would be irreparable if we ended every sentence in “ay?” Imagine if when greeted by a true American with “Good morning, how are you?” we started saying, “Good, ay?” The Australian invasion of the U.S. would be close at hand.

Pundits once thought the Canadian embassy was located in close proximity to the U.S. Capitol because Canada is our closest ally. Wrong. It is so Congress can keep an eye on those feisty foreigners. Canada’s desires to expand are also clear. The caribous and moose need more room to roam, and although the Canadians already have access to the Atlantic, Pacific and Arctic, they have yet to gain access to the Gulf of Mexico. The annexation of the U.S. is clearly in their sights.

Donald Trump was right when he identified the Canadian threat. He did get the dates wrong — it wasn’t the War of 1812 (that was the British). It was 1978, when the Canadian government put its own diplomats close to the specter of death in order to save American diplomats hiding in Tehran during the American embassy takeover in Iran. The national security threat was only heightened in 1990 and 1991, when the Canadians sent 4,000 troops to the Middle East to support the U.S. in Operation Desert Storm.

The obvious dangerous designs of the Canadian government were clear when, after the September 11 attack on the World Trade Center, the Canadians provided jets to patrol and protect the American skies. Later, clear evidence of Canadian evil intentions was apparent when the Canadians sent troops to Iraq and Afghanistan to support American military initiatives in the Middle East. And most recently, the pure threat Canada poses to American interests was evident when the Canadians sent troops to support the United Nations and U.S. in training Ukrainian troops after the Russian invasion of that country.

Yes, the Canadian threat to U.S. national security is apparent and real — to only two people: Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin. Let’s hope neither succeeds in destroying our friendship with our closest ally in the name of national security.

This story was originally published June 14, 2018 at 3:41 PM with the headline "Look out! Canadians, armed with smoked salmon and hockey sticks, are coming!."